How to Garden with two Small Children

The best 8 bucks I ever spent!

A Little Bit Of This, A little Bit Of That

I'm still runny at a frenetic pace, but I've managed a few joyful moments, yup that's right the picture below says it all ... a little bit of romance the roses are from Al the Man, a little bit of nature my little friend Chipie is alive and well we thought she was a he and that he was dead but she's happy and alive and is very curious as to why I was stuffing food down her burrow. I'm sure her little kits are loving the peanut butter.

I took my best friend to her favourite dog park in the world and managed to take a photo of an incredible Blue Heron, which I called Herring and Al the Man thought this was hilarious and reminded of it many times. All in all a great weekend.

The Ultimate Oatmeal Cookie

I have been so busy this past little while - still decluttering and cooking up a storm. I just wanted to stop by and post this amazing cookie recipe. I have been looking for the perfect oatmeal cookie and I have finally found it! I like oatmeal cookies that are soft and a bit chewy, not hard and crumbly or doughy or cakey. This one is perfect and the secret to this recipe is not to over bake the cookies.

1-1/4 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 baking soda
1/2 teaspoon table salt
1-1/4 cups old-fashioned rolled oats
1 cup pecans, toasted and chopped *
1 cup dried cranberries **
4 ounces bittersweet chocolate, chopped into chunks about size of chocolate chips (about 3/4 cup)
3/4 cup (1-1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened but still cool
1-1/2 cups packed brown sugar, preferably dark
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Adjust oven racks to upper - and lower-middle positions; heat oven to 350 degrees. Line 2 large (18-by-12 inch) baking sheets with parchment paper.

Whisk flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a medium bowl. In second medium bowl, stir together oats, pecans, cranberries, and chocolate.

In a stand mixer fitted with paddle attachment, beat butter and sugar at medium speed until no sugar lumps remain, about 1 minute. Scrape down sides of bowl; add egg and vanilla and beat on medium-low speed until fully incorporated. Scrape down bowl; with mixer running at low speed, add flour mixture, and mix until combined. With mixer still running on low, gradually add oat/nut mixture, and mix until just incorporated. Give dough final stir with rubber spatula to ensure that no flour pockets remain and ingredients are evenly distributed.

Divide dough evenly into 16 portions, each about 1/4 cup, then roll between palms into balls about 2 inches in diameter, stagger 8 balls on each baking sheet, spacing them about 2-1/2 inches apart. Using hands, gently press each dough ball to 1 inch thickness. Bake both baking sheets 12 minutes, rotate them front to back and top to bottom, and continue to bake until cookies are medium brown and edges have begun to set but centres are still soft (cookies will seem underdone and will appear raw, wet and shiny in cracks), 8 to 10 minutes longer. Do not over bake.

Cool cookies on baking sheets on wire rack 5 minutes; using a wide metal spatula, transfer cookies to wire rack and cool to room temperature.

Recipe - Summer Entertaining from Cook's Illustrated

* I did not use nuts so that Matt could take them to school
** The recipe called for dried sour cherries

Note: I found the baking instructions confusing, I wasn't sure if I should bake them for 12 minutes and then for an additional 8 to 10 minutes longer - this would have been way too long. I set the timer for 5 mins. rotated the sheets top to bottom and back to front and then set the timer for another 5 mins. After baking for 10 mins, the cookies looked mostly done but I felt they needed another 3 mins. When I removed them from the baking sheet they were soft in the middle and were fragile. I also made the cookies a bit smaller than suggested (about 1-1/2 tablespoon), another reason for keeping an eye on the time. These cookies were absolutely amazing, I really liked the bittersweet chocolate combined with the sour cranberries and sweet buttery flavour. I will continue to play around with the baking time, next time I will bake for the first 10 mins. and then an additional 2 mins. rather than 3 mins.

Next time I will double this recipe and roll half of the mixture into cylinder shapes, wrap with wax paper and tinfoil then freeze.

Try these, they're truly amazing.

Life is Sweet

I've been absent this past week, working away hard on decluttering my house. I started with a schedule, certain that I could have the upstairs and main floor done in a week. Well I'm almost there, the top floor of the house is complete, three bedrooms and two bathrooms decluttered! What a great feeling when I walk upstairs and look around, everything in it's place and a place for everything. Yesterday I started on the kitchen, I love that my kitchen is square (with three sides) however, the man that designed this kitchen put in dead corners instead of corner cabinets. Everything gets pushed into the corners and it's impossible to see what is in the cupboard. I threw away three bags of garbage yesterday, shameful. Recently we have put ourselves on a cash budget and it's forcing me to buy only what we need, hopefully this will help keep the kitchen decluttered and keep us from wasting food.

This morning Matt wanted an English muffin with honey, while he was eating, I thought that this might be a good time to clean out the toaster before I put it back in the cupboard. Usually I forget and the bottom will open on it's own (always when I'm in a hurry or bad mood) and crumbs fall all over the counter and floor. So today I opened the toaster over the sink and gave it a shake, nothing happened, all the crumbs stayed inside the toaster, perplexed I looked a little closer, the crumbs seem to glisten. Strange. Upon further investigation it was noted that someone poured honey into the toaster, someone was probably just trying to be helpful, you know help Mummy out a little because we know how upset she gets when crumbs fall all over the counter, or maybe it was a science experiment, what will happen if we pour honey into the toaster? Anyway it prompted a discussion on fire and why it is not a good idea to mix liquids and electricity and what would happen if our house caught on fire. Life is sweet, indeed.

How Does This Happen?

Seriously ...

A Quiet Day

"She decided to free herself, dance into the wind, create a new language. And birds fluttered around her, writing "yes" in the sky." Unknown

Isn't that beautiful? I was at the bookstore yesterday looking for some cooking magazines when I came across a workbook on love and happiness which I bought but realized I need a beautiful notebook to write down my thoughts and I found this wonderful little book with that quote on the cover. It is so lovely and inspiring and my hope is to find a little time for myself everyday to work on a few things.

Today is a quiet day, we had a very busy weekend with my birthday to celebrate and family here from Montreal. My buddies are pooped from busy days and late nights, they had a wonderful time with their cousin but now need a quiet day to just catch up. It's a home day and I'm working on my old age Alzheimer's prevention strategy otherwise known as Sudoku, which I'm incredibly bad at; I've managed to complete two puzzles both are labeled "very easy" something that should really take a matter of minutes has taken me hours.

When we were downtown the other day for Matt's ear appointment, I stopped in at the pharmacy to pick up bandages for Cam's foot and they had kids movies on sale for $20 so I picked up Cars and The Incredibles and the boys are lounging and watching movies today.

That's it, just a lazy day, a time to do quiet activites, to cuddle and lounge and have wonderful pea soup and french bread for lunch.

Home Days

The boys always ask me "Is tomorrow a home day or a school day?" Thursday was a home day, meaning I did not work and there was no school for Matt. We had a pre-op appointment at the specialist for Matt's ears. As he has not had an ear infection for many months we decided to put the surgery off and review the issue again in September providing he does not have another ear infection before then.

The doctor asked me if I wanted him to take out Matt's tubes as they were just sitting in the ear canal and not really doing anything. So we did and I cannot believe how small they are. Here is a picture, they are so small I had a hard time getting my camera to focus and I cannot get the macro focus to work on my camera for some reason. As you can see one of them is covered in wax, kind of nasty but in a really interesting way.

Then it was off to Dragon Fly park for the kids kind of fun, Matt has been asking me to go all winter and finally the weather was nice enough for a morning at the park!

Winding Up & Down

Wednesday was a work day, it didn't start well; usually I make my bed when I get up in the morning however yestereday I stripped the bed to throw the sheets in the wash. I let the boys bounce around on my bed only to hear Matt say "Moooommmmm, Cam knocked your lamp over." Upstairs I went only to find the stain glass lamp was fine but there is now a lovely hole in the wall. Sigh.

With only four more days left at work I'm winding down and trying to adjust my thinking to a different pace for the summer. I will be working from home a bit over the summer to finish up my last project which will end in September, it's difficult to stay motivated knowing that soon it will all be over and I'm almost regretting agreeing to finish up this project, however, I'm sure it's just the state of mind I'm in these days and I'll probably welcome the brain work over the summer. It's a great project, an outdoor garden party for 600 people with good food, great wine and music all for a good cause.

I will be at home full time starting the first week of June, the first thing on the agenda will be Matt's surgery on Tuesday to have new tubes put in his ears and he'll also have his adenoids cauterized. The tubes were wonderful for keeping the almost constant ear infections at bay, poor guy told me he felt like he had poison in his ears. Next, Cam and I will have a little project to work on, one that we started almost a year ago and will hopefully be wrapped up soon. One that will involve visiting the bathroom often, I saw a psychologist on t.v. a month ago and she suggested those who attempt potty training early usually finish much later and so we are one of those families that is finishing much later. It is a process that takes much patience something I clearly lack so I guess I have some things to work on as well. Funny how our children become our teachers.

I'm looking forward to the summer, despite these morbid posts, it's the in between time that frustrates me, trying to patiently finish things up so that I can look back and feel good about the good work that I did and itching to start a new project and sort out what that will look like.

And so it starts

It took me a long time to get going yesterday, I sat and drank coffee and contemplated the next few months. Remembering what it was like to have a husband who is never home, two active boys and feeling overwhelmed by it all. Work was my reprieve from the chaos of every day. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and spending time with them, I just loved it more when I had some me time as well. With Al the Man's work schedule well there just is no me time available.

So it was a beautiful day outside and I really needed to get my buddies out of the house even though none of us felt like it. On went the shorts and the summer shoes and we went out to ride bikes. We were not out five seconds and the complaining started:


Matt: I'm cold
Me: I'll get you a sweater, Cam do you want one too?
Cam: NO I DON'T WANT A SWEATER!
Me: Put it on anyway.
Cam: I DON'T want to ride my bike!
Me: Come on it'll be fun, I promise.
Matt: Can we just ride in the garage?
Me: NO!

So off we went and they complained the whole time - I gave up the "fun" in frustration and we went inside where we should have probably stayed in the first place.

The bike riding incident pretty much set the tone for the rest of the day and I spent my time trying to figure out what to do with myself - besides cleaning and breaking up fights. I seriously need a plan for the summer.

Or it could have been just an off day, we were all up late the night before watching the fireworks and everyone was over tired.

I am looking forward to the summer, I'm just trying to sort out a new life again and I will have plenty of me time come September when both boys will be in school. Oh to go grocery shopping in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week, all-by-myself.

Soon to be unemployed

No, it's not really a sign of the times, it's just me talking myself out a job. I've spent the past year working part-time as a Special Events Coordinator for a Foundation that raises money for a long term care facility. I love my job, I'm going to miss my job. I worked while Matt was in school and Cam spent three days in daycare. Matt goes to school on Mondays, Wednesdays and some Fridays and because Cam was enrolled in the daycare centre they were happy to take Matt on those PD days and the some Fridays that he was not in school.

The challenge now is that Cam is starting school in the Fall and will be on the same almost three day schedule, which means he will not be enrolled in daycare and no one wants to care for two children some three days a month. I did look into home daycares but I could not find anyone that didn't either smoke, have a dog or a pool and was close enough and willing to walk the boys to school. The nanny thing just did not work for a multitude of reasons that could be an entire book unto itself. I approached worked and ask them if I could work from home which would allow me to walk my buddies to school and still get my work done and the response was they were not "keen" on the idea. Through this discuss process I suggested that they drop one of the fundraising projects that I worked on and another that took me four months to plan last year was completed in less than a month this year. They don't even really need me for the other project I worked on so essentially I talked myself out of a job.

There were other factors that contributed to this whole decision process like spending the whole year working and literally giving my pay cheque to the daycare only to find out that I don't make enough money to claim any of my childcare expenses on my income tax and poor Al the Man makes too much money and he can't claim me as a dependent because well I make money, kind of.

So very soon I'm going to be back home for the summer trying to figure out how to manage the long days that I know will pass all too quickly. Right know as I sit here typing this post, I'm watching Canada AM my morning ritual, drinking coffee and watching Matt dump a whole box of Shreddies all over the kitchen table. Cam is lying on the table shouting "Hey, save some for me! I want some!"

In preparation for this summer ahead I'm thinking about nature walks, tadpoles, bike rides, running through the sprinkler and tired happy boys. I know my time at home with these two will be short, I still have mixed feelings about work but I'm trying to trust in the universe that this is my path and it's all meant to be.

Spring Cleaning

Before



Before

After



After

Okay, so neither one of them looks very happy but I can probably go at least five minutes now without having to vacuum.

I'll Be MIA

for awhile, my hard drive on my laptop is cooked and my PC is a dog. So I'm not gone forever, we are just experiencing some techincal difficulties.

See you soon.

Girlfriends - A meme

I'm not a big fan of memes per se, I made this one up because as I was trying to fall asleep tonight people were running through my brain and well this was one way to get them out!

I have girlfriends in "real life" and I have people I consider girlfriends in "cyber life", this is a meme about my cyber girlfriends and what I think they would be like if we met in "real life".

Here they are in no particular order:

1. Chelle, the first word that comes to mind with I think of Chelle is warm the second is kind. I first met Chelle on the Blog Exchange and have loved reading her blog ever since. I've followed her from California to Halifax and through all of the events in between. I feel so privileged to read about her life everyday - yes she posts every day! Well okay not always on the weekends, but sometimes even on the weekends. I am in awe of how committed she is as a wife and mom, you will never hear her screaming "Get me out of here!", she finds gratitude in the every day, something I struggle with a lot. I am also in awe of just how much this woman gets done in a day, she knits, sews, takes care of two adorable little children and they go out and explore their wonderful city and I get to come along for the ride. Plus I have no idea how she manages to write a blog post almost daily, write for other blogs and comments on all the blogs she reads. Did I mention she runs as well? Blows me away.

I think if we met in real life we connect totally on a "Mom" level she knows just how challenging and joyful it is to be apart of the lives of children. Love you girl.

2. Nutmeg, I think if I met this girl we would probably end up getting drunk together. Now that sounds bad for both her and I, however, I truly think we would have fun doing it. We would probably sit around drinking beer, telling off coloured jokes and sharing horrible nose hair stories. Nutmeg is the kind of woman you can sit down and laugh your ass off with, cry your heart out with and then make a joke about it. Nutmeg if you're ever in Canada ...

Nutmeg has a very serious side to her as well, since taking a well deserved summer hiatus she has come back with a passion about the upcoming U.S. election and has written a compelling letter to her hopeful new leader.

3. Mother Hen if you happen to stop by and read this blog you might be left scratching your head. The things that swirl around this woman's brain at times are truly bizarre. She found my blog and I've been addicted to hers ever since. Hen has a quirky, kooky sense of humour and well doesn't always hold back. She always makes me laugh and tries really hard to come off as a toughy but she's a softy and always so supportive. I think in real life I would not know what to say to this "chick", my guess is that if you don't know her well she is shy and reserved with maybe not too much too say, but once you get to know her you would be invited into her wonderful wicked sense of humour. Maybe I'm wrong, she still a bit of an anomaly to me.

4. Misty is the quintessential girlfriend, she is warm hearted and devoted; she has captured my heart. Misty has been through many ups and many more downs in her life but she is a woman who cares and who cares deeply about people; she is a caretaker. I would imagine that Misty is the kind of friend that you could call at 3:00 a.m. when you have just broken up, yet again with your boyfriend, she would listen, console and support you fully. You could probably hang out on her couch for 3 full days in your jammies, cry and watch movies while she fed you all kinds of wonderful pastries, when you were done she give you a hug and send you on your way, until the next time.

5. Shelly is a storyteller, Shelly is fiery, Shelly has a twinkle in her eye. I don't really have to imagine how she is in real life, I think you get a really good sense of her in her writing. If she didn't live so damn far away from me I could see myself sitting in a coffee shop and listening to her stories for hours and laughing my head off. I would probably at some point force her to teach me how to crotchet as well.

These are the woman I think about when I'm away from my computer, I wonder how their doing and I look forward to logging in and reading about their days. Thank you to all of you for letting me into your lives and for being so incredibly supportive.

So how far off was I?

Be honest.

Eeeek!

My blog posts have disappeared! I can see them in the posting/editing section but they are not appearing on my blog.

Can you see them?

Oh Sick, sick, sick

I've been sick all weekend, it started Friday with a sore throat but I drugged myself and went to our friends 25th wedding anniversary party on Saturday. I drank quite a bit as well so that the pain was barely noticeable. Oh but Sunday, the pain ... the worst sore throat I have ever had. Every four hours more drugs, I've been alternating between Advil and Tylenol and it barely masks the pain. I would give almost anything not to have a sore throat any more. The only good thing is that I seem to have temporarily overcome my fear of swallowing pills, I just keep thinking "you'll be just fine, this medicine will make you feel so much better" swallow.

Al the Man took Camakazie off to daycare this morning, they left almost an hour ago already, Cam was so excited to be driving in Daddy's car and Matt and I are just hanging out waiting for 9:00 a.m. so we can leave for school; then I'll have the rest of the day to myself to sleep, rest and hopefully relax. No work for me today, I work with old folks and they just don't need this kind of sickness. Now back to my hot water, lemon and honey.

Hope you are having a better day.

Why Do I Always Have to be the Guy?

In this relationship! So we moved one television into the basement for our nanny who will never arrive and the other into the newly renovated family room. Al the Man was sure he unhooked and marked all the cables properly. He was sure! So he sets up the cable box, dvd and stereo and what do we get? A simulcast of the local radio station and whatever we happen to be watching on television. Oooohhhhhhh! Suffering succotash as Camakazie might say.

So I say:

"Are you sure you hooked up every thing the same way?"

"YEAH I'M SURE!"

"Can you check?"

"I can check but I'm sure it's the same." snark, snark.

"Well if it's the same, why are we watching Dave and listening to the Storm game at the same time?"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

So he gets up, looks at it scratches his ... head, looks puzzled.

So I say:

"Can I check?"

"Yeah, but I did it right."

"Okay, I'll just have a look, are you sure these cables are supposed to be plugged into the television and not the cable box?"

"But I didn't unplug every thing."

"Are you sure? Just let me check."

Oh hail to the Queen!

Update: Okay, Me, Miss Smarty Pants went to turn off the television last night and well um ... the stereo kept playing. So I don't know every thing. Gasp!

Indy Jones

Otherwise know as Indiana Jones Temple of Poophead Dog or just Indy does not like to have her picture taken.


But you'll forgive her right? Poor puppy just had surgery for the second time this year! She is now officially the $6,000 dog. Yup, that's right and you might say "There's no way I would spend that much money on a dog" and well you might be right, we could not however put this absolutely beautiful sentient being to sleep forever, she is ingrained and entwined deeply into our hearts and I'm so happy she is here with us and is on her way to recovery. So the new furnace can wait, the new windows can wait, new furniture can wait. Indy is here.



Indy has Cranial Cruciate Ligament Disease which is a progressive degenerative failure of the knee ligament. There are certain breeds that appear to be predisposed to this condition including the Newfoundland, Bull Mastiff, Rottweiler, Golden retriever, Labrador retriever, Boxer and West Highland white terrier. There is some thought that there is a genetic component as well.

With only limited treatment options, we chose obviously a very expensive surgical treatment called Tibial Plateau Leveling Osteotomy or TPLO for short, which according to new research is more effective in large breed dogs then the conventional ligament replacement surgery which sometimes has to be redone. So we opted for the more expensive surgery in hopes that we would only have to do each leg once. It's a fairly complicated surgery and involves cutting the knee joint and changing the slope or angle of the knee so that the ligaments are no longer required and the animal can once again move without pain. Indy will be in recovery mode for at least three months before she is let loose to run around and play with other dogs. She has arthritis in both knees now caused from the tear in the ligaments but we will keep her on a glucosamine-chondroitin supplement for life which should hopefully slow the progress of that ailment.

How times have changed. Anyone who grew up on a farm who might read this would probably fall off their chair and think we were right out of our minds for spending that kind of money on a dog, but she lives in our house, has her own bed right in our room and speaks funny dog talk to me when I get home from work. I love this dog and I'm so thankful that we were able to do this for her and for us.

Temporary Relief

From my insanity that is; the family room is complete. We took out the horrible futon and brought in the furniture from the living room which really looks a lot better against the white walls versus the red in the living room. So with cleaner carpets and freshened up paint I feel like I breathe just a little better. Al the Man is all gung-ho and now wants to paint the living room this weekend, hey who am I to stand in his way. Here are some before and after shots.


This was after my insanity and before we started painting.


LOOK at all the patching. Yeesh, glad I didn't have to do it.


Remember this?










Okay, so the white is a little boring but it's a hell of a lot better than the green. I just need some art and some window coverings and it will look a lot better. Now if I could only keep the toys from creeping back in. Sigh.

Uninspired

Ugh, I have nothing to say these days, there is always plenty going on just nothing interesting and well the really juicy stuff I can't write about or I might get fired. Oh well, I wanted to post something so here you go, here is a photo that cracks me up every time I look at it. It's Matt when he was less than a month old, not sure what was going on.

Temporary Insanity?

I think I'm going crazy. Last week I just lost it. I looked around our house and I think something just popped in my brain. A brain fart maybe. I hate the paint, the dirty floors, the fact that we have no lamps and now that Fall has arrived we have to sit in the dark after 7:00 p.m., ah but mostly it was the toys, they were everywhere. Not one inch of floor space, toys, toys, everywhere. So I got a really big bucket, I mean really big and I filled it with toys, then I walked down to the basement and dumped it upside down, went back upstairs and did it again and again and again and again, until there was not one toy left in the house. The whole time I was thinking "Uh Hun, this is not normal behaviour, keep your cool you're gonna freak out the kids"; but I couldn't stop myself. Once I had all the toys cleared out of the room I took a very large cubed shaped wall unit out of the room and dumped it into the garbage. When I was done there was one television, one television stand (because they were too heavy to move) and one futon left in the room, oh and the fireplace - it's permanent.

I felt better for some reason. I think being crazy is just better somehow. Al the Man came home raised an eyebrow and said

"Looks like somebody cleaned up"

"Yup"

"Where's all the stuff?"

"In the basement"

"Oh"

Anyway my insanity kicked started a weekend clean up, we finally went down into the basement after two years and started to sort through boxes and boxes of stuff. I organized all the toys, kept some and sent Al the Man off to Value Village with two whole van loads of stuff we have accumulated over the years. The boys played downstairs while we cleaned, Matt asked what we were going to do with all the toys in the bags and I told him that some kids don't have any toys so we are going to give them away to kids that need them; he seemed fine with that. We still have a lot of work to do but it's a start. I also took off to the paint store and ordered some paint, finally after two years I will not have to live in pea soup green any longer. Oh and we shampooed the carpets, I think Al the Man finally realized that I had gone over the edge and that he better go rent a steam cleaner before I took a utility knife to the carpets, the thought crossed my mind and well it's not like I haven't done it before.

The best part though is that since all of the toys have been gone, there is a lot less fighting as there are no toys to fight over or trip over for that matter. I have also rediscovered some really cool stuff that was stashed in bins and Matt and I have spent some quality time practicing his writing skills and making puzzles. I also realized that we have a ton of books, many of which we have not even read, so each night I go downstairs and bring up three books and the boys and I cuddle up on the couch and read stories together which is truly a wonderful tradition that I hope to keep going. We have always read the kiddos a bedtime story but this for some reason is more special and meaningful, we've made it our special time together rather than just a nighttime duty or routine.

I need to bottle some of this insanity, it's been good for me.

Blog Avoidance

Dear Blog, I can avoid you no longer. You have been many things to me, a friend, a fun place, a way to connect with other people and probably most recently and most importantly a place to process my emotions. Ugh.

I have had blog avoidance since the summer, so many things have happened that I was not prepared or ready to deal with, that's the reason for the long absence. I could not come here and pretend that a whole bunch of crappy, heart crushing things did not happen. I couldn't come and post funny pictures and tell funny little stories about the day-to-day things because life's circumstances were weighing heavy on my heart. So here we go, turn the page if you're here for fun, this is messy life stuff but it must be done.

I made my pilgrimage home to British Columbia this summer, the purpose was to see my grandmother and for her to meet my children. The whole trip was fraught with difficultly and deep disappointment. My grandmother has always been a very special person in my life and to see her distraught and disconnected from life was more than sad, it was tragic. It may in fact be the last time I see her which makes it all the more tragic. I so long for the days when it seemed we had all the time in the world and we could cast life's issues aside and laugh and enjoy each other's company; but life, old age and sickness have gotten in the way. I wish I could take her away, protect her and care for her in her late years as she did for me when I was young, but it's not to be.

My mother met us in British Columbia and probably one of the most difficult things I realized was that my mother is an alcoholic. I've know for some years now that she's a full-fledged, all be it functioning alcoholic, however the true realization came to me this last visit. Two things, first, she has probably been an alcoholic almost my entire life, that was hard but it explains a lot of things, second and the hardest part, is that she is so fully engrossed in her disease that she no longer exists; the person, spirit, soul, entity that was the essential "her" is gone or at least buried so deep that she can longer been seen. There is a shell that lives on and functions on a certain level, but that emotional being is not able to come to the surface anymore, she has drown, she is probably gone and so I am tied to a being that has sunk. It's like walking around with an emotional anchor tied to my leg, pulling me down and under in sickness and despair. It's horrible.

But wait it gets better worse.

We experience a family tragedy and someone dear to us is gone which carries me to my other home in Prince Edward Island. This event brings me to a place I have been avoiding, I get to encounter my other parent who is also a full-fledged functioning non-drinking alcoholic who has not dealt with his own issues surrounding his disease and whom I have not seen or spoken to in almost exactly seven years.

I am filled with angst, what will our first encounter be like? What will he do? How will I respond? We cross paths, he looks surprised, holds out his arms and says "Welcome home". How can I be a bitch? Especially at this time when everyone is in so much pain. We embrace. He looks old and tired. I guard my heart. We spend our time avoiding each other, it's slightly uncomfortable but I can live with that. We are all busy with grief and caring for those who are more crushed than we are; it's neither the time nor the place to be selfish and deal with things.

He cries as he holds me deep in his grief and loss of a loved one, "Let this be a new start for us, please", he begs. I hold my heart still, can I trust, can I believe? A small fraction of light enters my heart, maybe... thump-thump, maybe, thump-thump, my throat closes the darkness enters and my head says NO!!!! I say nothing. We spend the rest of the day not talking about the very large elephant in the middle of the room. We chat about the mundane things of life with others around us so it's not too uncomfortable; he seems to know all about my life. We don't mention my children whom he has never met except briefly as he shows me the cottage he built for us, "The boys can play down in the basement when they come, we can build a room down here", he says as he shows me around, "It's very nice", I mumble.

It's time for him to go; he will call me as soon as he gets back. Thump-thump, thump-thump. My head was right, he never called.

Despite the rain ...

it's been a busy summer. The last two weeks we've been busy with work for me, daycare (we call it school) with the kids and getting ready for our big trip. I don't know if I should be filled with anticipation or dread or with the anticipation of a dreadful trip.

I've spent fifty dollars at the dollar store and packed little sandwich bags with various trinkets and toys that will only last moments whether from falling apart or lack of interest. At the gym the other day I was talking to a friend and mother of two young children and she asked me if I'd bought any Gravol yet. I looked at her a bit puzzled at first and then said "Oh gosh, I never even thought about that, what if they get motion sickness on the plane?", I'm so naive, she meant to knock them out. I really never thought of that! I guess she was on the plane to Florida and everyone with small children had drugged their kids. I bought the Gravol but not for the knock out factor but the sick factor - can you image children vomiting on the plane! I was worrying about them screaming, running up and down the aisle trying to negotiate two children in one very tiny washroom, changing dirty messy pull-ups with three hundred people watching, dirty looks and rude comments. Maybe I should take the Gravol and fall asleep on the plane and just let everyone else deal with my children.

I have a huge carry-on bag with wheels and have been having nightmares about grouchy check-in attendants at the airport informing me that my bag is too big and I'll have to leave it behind. It's filled with toys, post-it notes, crayons, things that light up and glow in the dark, Hersey Kisses (if you're good you get a kiss), Smarties, Teddy Bear Crackers, Fishy Crackers, puddings, peaches etc. I've got two umbrella strollers with clips that tie them together, each child will have a link chain tied to each stroller so that if they don't want to sit in stroller they have to at least have one hand on the link chain. We had to buy a goalie hockey bag that cost $140 so that I could pack and check two Britax Marathon car seats, Matt actually weighs enough for a booster seat but I don't want to worry every time we get into the car. I even bought a potty seat to bring along as we are in the midst of potty training, I'm so over prepared it's not funny.

We leave Saturday morning at 8:00 am which means we need to get up at 4:30 am, get everyone up, fed and dressed, into the car by at no later than 5:30. Drive an hour to the airport, wait in a ridiculously long line as Al is no longer an Elite Member, hold onto two small children and hope and pray that they take the hockey bag with the car seats and my carry on luggage along with the strollers. I have to make it through security all by myself again hoping and praying they do not want to tear apart my carry on luggage, find our gate and entertain my children until boarding. Spend five hours on the plane, disembark, find our next gate and wait three more hours in Vancouver Airport. I've read that they have play centres in the airport which I will be looking for along with the nearest Starbucks; I've also packed some balloons as a last resort cheap form of entertainment.

We will then have another one hour flight up north and arrive at the place of my birth. My mom will meet us at the airport and entertain two very over tired little boys and watch our luggage while I install two car seats into her van. I'll spend a week with my maternal family and try to negotiate the whole vegan/vegetarian thing hopefully without insulting anyone. Then the following Saturday I'll do the whole thing again in reverse. Sounds like fun doesn't it? Everyone tells me that my boys might just surprise, quite frankly I'm sure they will.

Have a great week, I'm fairly certain that I'll have plenty of blogging material upon my return.

Okay So I'm No Poet

I've decided to participate in a poetry prompt this Sunday hosted by Simply Snickers, the idea is to take the following words and use them as a prompt to write a poem:

wander
weak
wild
wit
wonder


This was rather free form and it just came to mind.

I wander weak

through the wild

with no wit

to wonder

Eh voila, j'ai tout fini!

A Little Blogger Honesty

In so many situations in life we try to put our best foot forward, present ourselves in a positive light; even when blogging we tidy up the little messes before we take some pictures, put on a little lip gloss, post the nicest pictures and leave out the less attractive aspects of stories. Today ladies I'm going to expose the ugly truth about my life. Ready ... sometimes I do nothing all day long and my house is a mess, no really it's true.

Tuesday we were all set to go to the YMCA, my plan was to have everyone out the door by 8:30 a.m., have the kids checked into childcare and I would head off to my spin class. At 10:00 a.m. I would hit the locker room and maybe have little steam or perhaps a soak in the whirlpool, by 11:45 pick-up the kids from childcare, usher them into the change room and get them into the pool for their swimming lessons. The bag was packed the night before, even lunch was made so we could eat there, a special treat for the boys. When I received a call from the Y this morning that swimming lessons were cancelled due to an unexpected maintenance of the pool (hhhhmmm, wonder what that means, don't really want to know) I can't say that I was totally disappointed as wonderful as my morning plans sounded I was exhausted; I could barely get myself out of bed this morning and actually fell asleep while both children were downstairs unattended HORRORS you say; I dreamt that someone was standing on the toilet and was peeing huge amounts all over the floor; I was awoken by Matt coming into my room saying "Mommy Cam took his diaper off again, all by hisself". Yeesh, (that's not what I really said) and I rolled over and got out of bed, brushed my teeth and stumbled downstairs. My mantra? Coffee before oatmeal, coffee before oatmeal. The kids can wait, the dog can wait, I need serotonin NOW!

So I sat my children down with their oatmeal and turned on the television for them. GASP! I took my coffee went into the other room and turned on the television for myself and that's pretty much where I spent my day; on the couch watching television and checking my email. That is the dirty rotten truth of my life, well for today anyway.

My children ran amok, they did what they wanted, I attempted potty training, but gave up before lunch after three wet messes and others too horrible to mention. For lunch I threw two Sesame Sunbutter and Raspberry Jam sandwiches on the picnic table outside and watched my children scramble like little seagulls to gobble them up, turned around and sat down on the couch. I ate blue non-organic corn chips with are you ready ... non-organic salsa for lunch and an OMG Coke. My children tired from playing outside with no clothes on and no SUNSCREEN (can you believe that?) okay stop screaming at the computer they are not burned, sat down on the couch beside me and ate corn chips until the bowl was empty, then toddled off outside again to play in the sprinkler which they hooked up and turn on all by themselves.

So here is the proof that I am not in fact perfect (sssshhh... don't tell Al the Man) a photo exposé of my Tuesday. Dare you to do the same.


The playroom/family room (why is playroom one word and family room two?)










Yes, that is a diaper cover (a clean one) sitting on the kitchen table. Shocked?


You would think that at least the Laundry Room would be clean. Nope. Hey, there's the Yahtzee game, I was wondering where that was.


Clean Laundry waiting to be be folded and my agenda (at least it's on the top of the pile).





This is where I spent my day.


Boys outside, not properly clothed.


The sprinkler that Matt climbed the fence to set-up.


Cam's shoe in the dog's dish.

By 7:00 p.m. Matt was still outside playing with the hose but I made him come in because he was spraying water in the house and getting the clean dishes in the dishwasher all wet, like I need to dry dishes. Yeesh. The house was still a disaster and Al was due home any minute (not that I cared ... really) so it was time to do the 10 second tidy up and the house was tidy within a half an hour. I even managed to make my bed today. Kind of makes me wonder why I worry so much about cleaning up all day long, just let it go and do it all in half an hour. Now I admit the laundry is still on the dining room table, however laundry is perpetual and you can come here on any given day and find the table full of laundry so really it wasn't necessary that I fold it and put it away because it will just be replaced with more tomorrow.

So how did my boys end their incredibly unstructured day ...






No rules, no naps, no bedtime, they had a great day.

Potty Training Boot Camp

I hate potty training, Matt was three and a bit before we finally got down to business and it was a battle. Once again we are in the midst of a battle, I really thought it would be easier the second time, I'm not sure if it's me or the child but the lines have been drawn. Probably not the best approach, I just think that potty training should be a one day thing. You explain to the child this is how it's done and it should well, just happen!

Clearly I need help, I know. I can't deal with letting them run around in the buff and just let them pee all over themselves and the carpet, my boys just don't seem to care anyway.

We had some success's, which is wonderful, it's all the failures I just can't deal with; I'm cranky and miserable and this is turning out to be a wretched experience for both of us. It took a full week with Matt but that is no guarantee that it will take more or less time with Cam. See guarantee is the operative word here, that's what I want.

Truly, if there was a potty training boot camp I would sign him up, it would be money well spent in my opinion, we could carry on with our wonderful happy times and someone else equipped with more patience and knowledge could take care of the yucky stuff. Thankfully the boys will be in daycare four days this week, that's four days out of seven that someone else can clean up pee off the floor. Ugh.